Dogs are the role model for living life. You can make a fool of yourself and your dog will make a fool of itself too, while laughing with its tail.
HOW TO UNDERSTAND MEN THROUGH THEIR DOGS is a book written by Wendy Diamond, informing women how to judge a man by the breed of dog he owns.
Since I have a keen insight into men and dogs, I can save you the price of the book. I have absolutely no insight into women but it seems irrelevant under the circumstances.
Sporting Dogs, such as pointers, retrievers, setters and spaniels, are field dogs bred for hunting. A man who owns a sporting dog is a lazy outdoorsman who needs a dog to do most of the work, like finding and retrieving game. He also wants a woman who will do most of the work, including stocking and retrieving beer. But he isn’t too keen on pointing, especially someone pointing at him. If you want to be a waitress, this is your guy.
Hounds are used in hunting too but have a different personality. They sniff out a trail and make lots of noise, called baying. When not hunting, hounds are very lazy and spend a lot of time napping. If you want a man who is primarily a couch potato, when he’s not out sniffing around and making lots of noise, a hound man is for you.
Working dogs include boxers, pinchers and huskies. They also include very large dogs such as Great Danes, Rotweilers and Mastiffs. Men who have large dogs, particularly pit bulls, are men who have difficulty coping with the world. They’re macho on the outside and frightened on the inside. Their dog is their protection. Dangerous paranoid men have dangerous paranoid dogs. If you seek danger and paranoia, join the military.
Non-sporting dogs include Bichon Frises, Shar-peis, Lhasa Apsos, Schipperkes and Shiba Inus. These are pretentious dogs with pretentious names. A man who owns one of them is a pretentious man who probably thinks a slick necktie is hot and jazz is cool. He owns a trendy car, wears fashionable clothes, sniffs his brandy and checks for lint. Unless you’re a fashion model or a Capricorn, you won’t be pretentious enough for him.
Terriers are feisty dogs, bred to kill vermin, with little tolerance for other animals, including other dogs. A man who owns a terrier is a feisty man who has little tolerance for others, including his alter ego. If you have a psychological need to have a man snarling at you, find a man who has a terrier.
Toy dogs are miniature versions of the real things. Men with toy dogs are miniature versions of real men, unless they live in an apartment and there’s no room for a bigger dog. They usually have limp wrists and a flair for decorating a room. If you want someone to do your hair, find a toy dog man. Otherwise move on.
Herding dogs are made up of shepherds, collies and other breeds that control the movement of animals, primarily cattle or sheep. They are highly intelligent, easy to maintain and have a natural instinct to nibble at the heels of whatever they are herding. My previous dog was an Australian Cattle Dog, also known as a Queensland Blue Heeler. They are magnificent creatures, much like their owners. Just make sure to keep them from nibbling at your heels, and keep their dogs from nibbling at your heels too.
A mutt is a dog of mixed breed and low status. It’s more carefree than purebreds because it doesn’t have to live up to some meaningless standard. Mutt men don’t live up to meaningless standards either. My current dog is a mutt. As best as anyone can tell, he's part spaniel, part terrier and part goofball. I'm part Swedish, part German, part English and part rebel. He's very good at frolicking with skunks and I'm very good at avoiding the rest of the world. If you want a carefree man of questionable status, find a mutt man. Be sure to check for fleas.
A man without a dog has no soul. If a man has nothing to give a dog, he has nothing to give a woman.
A man with more than two dogs has too much responsibility. If a man pays too much attention to his dogs he has no time for a woman.
Either way, you’ll be ignored.
Owning a cat is like owning a fuzzy rock that changes position once in a while. A man who owns a cat prefers indifference to companionship. If you want to be treated like a fuzzy rock, find a cat man.
Certain dog men make good companions. If you scratch their bellies, they’ll aim to please.
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Quote for the Day – "Properly trained, a man can be dog's best friend." Corey Ford
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Bret Burquest is an award-winning columnist and author of four novels. He lives in the Ozark Mountains with a dog named Buddy Lee and plenty of room to make fools of themselves. His blogs appear on several websites, including www.myspace.com/bret1111
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Thursday, July 9, 2009
Sunday, July 5, 2009
Pope Potpourri
There was a time when the whims of the Catholic Church ruled the world. It's known as the Dark Ages.
On April 2, 2005, Pope John Paul II passed away and was given the Rite of Extreme Unction.
As prescribed by traditional ritual of the Catholic Church in these circumstances, the chamberlain entered the room and asked the Pope, "Are you dead?" The chamberlain then tapped the Pope's head with a silver hammer and repeated the question. Assuming there was no reply, the chamberlain called out the Pope's baptismal name. With no response from the deceased, the chamberlain officially declared the Pope to be dead.
Pope John Paul II was replaced by a German cardinal named Josef Ratzinger who dubbed himself Pope Benedict XVI, not to be confused with Pope Benedict V who raped a young girl in 964 and absconded to Turkey with the papal treasury, or Pope Benedict IX who was so immoral he was forced to flee from Rome in 1032.
As Pope Benedict XVI takes over, a very curious process has been taking place in the procession of Popes.
Nearly a thousand years ago, in 1139, an Irish saint called Malachy met with Pope Innocent II in Rome. Known for his gift of prophecy, Saint Malachy went into a trance and received a vision about the future of the papacy. He described 112 popes who were to follow, beginning with Celestine II who became Pope in 1143.
Saint Malachy gave his list of 112 popes to Pope Innocent II who promptly stored it away in a vault where it remained for more than 400 years until its rediscovery in 1597. Although dismissed by some, Saint Malachy's prophesies have been remarkably accurate right up to the present.
For example, Saint Malachy's descriptions of the previous three Popes include the following.
Pope #108 – Malachy described him as "Flos Florum" which means "flower of the flowers." Pope Paul VI (1963-78) was Giovanni Battista Montini whose coat of arms included three flowers of iris.
Pope #109 – was termed "De Mediatate Lunae" by Malachy which means "from the half moon." Pope John Paul I (1978) was Albino Luciani who was made Pope on August 26, 1978 when the moon was half full and died a month later during the next half moon.
Pope #110 – Malachy called him "De Labore Solis" meaning "out of a solar eclipse." Pope John Paul II (1978-2005) was Karol Josef Wojtyla who was born during a solar eclipse on May 8, 1920.
The Malachy prophesy for Pope #111, the present Pope, is "Gloria Olivae" which means "glory of the olive." This may be a reference to an olive branch which is the Biblical symbol of peace. Perhaps Pope Benedict XVI will become a peacemaker between religions or nations in these troubled times.
Pope #112, the last Pope on the list, is dubbed "Petrus Romanus" by Malachy meaning "Peter the Roman." According to the writings of Saint Malachy, "In extreme persecution, the seat of the Holy Roman Church will be occupied by Peter the Roman, who will feed the sheep through many tribulations, at the term of which the city of seven hills (Rome) will be destroyed, and the formidable Judge will judge his people. The End."
The end, indeed.
Jesuit priest Malachi Martin, a close confidante to Popes for some 30 years and author of 16 books about Catholicism, was a Dead Seas Scroll scholar and chief exorcist for the Vatican, having been the role model for the priest in the movie THE EXORCIST. He was one of the few people who had knowledge of the Third Secret of Fatima, a prophesy given to some children in 1917 by the Virgin Mary concerning the future after World War II.
Just prior to his death in 1999, Father Martin claimed that this prophesy predicted terrible wars and diseases that will wipe out whole nations, three days of darkness, violent tornadoes and storms, and parts of the earth being washed into the sea. He believed this would happen not long after Pope John Paul II (#110) passed away.
If your ambition is to become Pope, you'd better get in line quickly. And if you're standing in line behind an Italian named Peter, you may want to consider entering another profession, far inland.
In 1139, St. Malachy described the next 112 popes in startling accurate detail, to be followed thereafter by the End of Days. Pope number 111 is presently at the helm.
A rather interesting set of circumstances.
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Quote for the Day – "When I do good, I feel good – when I do bad I feel bad. That's my religion." Abraham Lincoln
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Bret Burquest is an award-winning columnist and author of four novels. He lives in the Ozark Mountains with a dog named Buddy Lee and whose religion consists of everyone minding their own business. His blogs appear on several websites, including www.myspace.com/bret1111
___________
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On April 2, 2005, Pope John Paul II passed away and was given the Rite of Extreme Unction.
As prescribed by traditional ritual of the Catholic Church in these circumstances, the chamberlain entered the room and asked the Pope, "Are you dead?" The chamberlain then tapped the Pope's head with a silver hammer and repeated the question. Assuming there was no reply, the chamberlain called out the Pope's baptismal name. With no response from the deceased, the chamberlain officially declared the Pope to be dead.
Pope John Paul II was replaced by a German cardinal named Josef Ratzinger who dubbed himself Pope Benedict XVI, not to be confused with Pope Benedict V who raped a young girl in 964 and absconded to Turkey with the papal treasury, or Pope Benedict IX who was so immoral he was forced to flee from Rome in 1032.
As Pope Benedict XVI takes over, a very curious process has been taking place in the procession of Popes.
Nearly a thousand years ago, in 1139, an Irish saint called Malachy met with Pope Innocent II in Rome. Known for his gift of prophecy, Saint Malachy went into a trance and received a vision about the future of the papacy. He described 112 popes who were to follow, beginning with Celestine II who became Pope in 1143.
Saint Malachy gave his list of 112 popes to Pope Innocent II who promptly stored it away in a vault where it remained for more than 400 years until its rediscovery in 1597. Although dismissed by some, Saint Malachy's prophesies have been remarkably accurate right up to the present.
For example, Saint Malachy's descriptions of the previous three Popes include the following.
Pope #108 – Malachy described him as "Flos Florum" which means "flower of the flowers." Pope Paul VI (1963-78) was Giovanni Battista Montini whose coat of arms included three flowers of iris.
Pope #109 – was termed "De Mediatate Lunae" by Malachy which means "from the half moon." Pope John Paul I (1978) was Albino Luciani who was made Pope on August 26, 1978 when the moon was half full and died a month later during the next half moon.
Pope #110 – Malachy called him "De Labore Solis" meaning "out of a solar eclipse." Pope John Paul II (1978-2005) was Karol Josef Wojtyla who was born during a solar eclipse on May 8, 1920.
The Malachy prophesy for Pope #111, the present Pope, is "Gloria Olivae" which means "glory of the olive." This may be a reference to an olive branch which is the Biblical symbol of peace. Perhaps Pope Benedict XVI will become a peacemaker between religions or nations in these troubled times.
Pope #112, the last Pope on the list, is dubbed "Petrus Romanus" by Malachy meaning "Peter the Roman." According to the writings of Saint Malachy, "In extreme persecution, the seat of the Holy Roman Church will be occupied by Peter the Roman, who will feed the sheep through many tribulations, at the term of which the city of seven hills (Rome) will be destroyed, and the formidable Judge will judge his people. The End."
The end, indeed.
Jesuit priest Malachi Martin, a close confidante to Popes for some 30 years and author of 16 books about Catholicism, was a Dead Seas Scroll scholar and chief exorcist for the Vatican, having been the role model for the priest in the movie THE EXORCIST. He was one of the few people who had knowledge of the Third Secret of Fatima, a prophesy given to some children in 1917 by the Virgin Mary concerning the future after World War II.
Just prior to his death in 1999, Father Martin claimed that this prophesy predicted terrible wars and diseases that will wipe out whole nations, three days of darkness, violent tornadoes and storms, and parts of the earth being washed into the sea. He believed this would happen not long after Pope John Paul II (#110) passed away.
If your ambition is to become Pope, you'd better get in line quickly. And if you're standing in line behind an Italian named Peter, you may want to consider entering another profession, far inland.
In 1139, St. Malachy described the next 112 popes in startling accurate detail, to be followed thereafter by the End of Days. Pope number 111 is presently at the helm.
A rather interesting set of circumstances.
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Quote for the Day – "When I do good, I feel good – when I do bad I feel bad. That's my religion." Abraham Lincoln
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Bret Burquest is an award-winning columnist and author of four novels. He lives in the Ozark Mountains with a dog named Buddy Lee and whose religion consists of everyone minding their own business. His blogs appear on several websites, including www.myspace.com/bret1111
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Thursday, July 2, 2009
Precious Bodily Fluids
Fluoride is a byproduct of aluminum manufacturing and fertilizer production. As a common ingredient in rat poison, insecticides and military nerve gas, it's considered a dangerous substance and an environmental pollutant, and is classified as a hazardous material during shipping.
Fluoride is listed in the handbook titled CLINICAL TOXICOLOGY OF COMMERCIAL PRODUCTS as more poisonous than lead and just slightly less poisonous than arsenic.
Independent studies have shown that fluoride causes various mental disturbances, makes people docile, damages bone structure and shortens life spans.
The first use of fluoridated drinking water occurred during World War II when the German pharmaceutical giant, I.G. Farben, utilized it in Nazi prison camps such as Auschwitz in order to force the inmates into a compliant submission.
In 1944, Oscar Ewing became the head of the U.S. Federal Security Agency where he began a campaign to add fluoride to public drinking water. Prior to that, Ewing had been an employee of Alcoa, which controls the global aluminum cartel. Soon, aluminum waste material became a profitable business venture, at a 20,000 percent markup.
According to APPLIED CHEMISTRY, SECOND EDITION by William R. Stine, the fluoride ion in drinking water is responsible for a defective dental condition called mottled enamel. Also known as dental fluorosis, this defect results from disturbance by fluoride of the enamel forming cells during tooth formation and is one of the first signs of chronic fluoride poisoning.
Dr. Hardy Limeback is the head of the Department of Preventative Dentistry at the University of Toronto and the President of the Canadian Association for Dental Research. Once a leading promoter of fluoride in public drinking water, he has since become an opponent of fluoridation. He claims that Canada currently spends more effort on treating dental fluorosis than treating cavities. He also reports lower cavity rates in areas where there is no fluoridation.
According to PHYSICIANS DESK REFERENCE, “in hypersensitive individuals, fluorides occasionally cause skin eruptions such as atopic dermatitis, eczema, or urticaria. Gastric distress, headache, and weakness have also been reported. These hypersensitive reactions usually disappear promptly after discontinuation of the fluoride.”
Research in the 1970s by the National Cancer Institute showed that more than 10,000 fluoride-linked cancer deaths occur in this country each year.
The Argonne National Laboratories demonstrated in 1989 the ability of fluoride to transform normal cells into cancerous cells.
A study by Proctor and Gamble showed that as little as half the amount of fluoride in public water supplies resulted in a significant increase in genetic damage.
The NEW ENGLAND JOURNAL OF MEDICINE reported in the March 22, 1990 issue that Mayo Clinic researchers found fluoride treatment of osteoporosis increased hip fracture rate and bone fragility.
In 1992, the JOURNAL OF THE AMERICAN MEDICAL ASSOCIATION reported that increased hip fractures were linked to rates of fluoride in the water.
Dr. Michael B. Schachter, M.D. from Columbia College of Physicians & Surgeons, contends, “fluoride even at dosages of one part per million, found in fluoridated water, can inhibit enzyme systems, damage the immune system, contribute to calcification of soft tissues, worsen arthritis and cause dental fluorosis in children; up to 80% of the children in certain fluoridated areas.”
If that isn’t scary enough, many recent studies show that water fluoridation is ineffective in reducing tooth decay. The U. S. Public Health Service, in the largest study of its kind, examined the dental records of over 39,000 school children, ages 5-17, from 84 different areas around the country. The number of decayed, missing and filled teeth per child were virtually the same in fluoridated and non-fluoridated areas.
Because of evidence of harmful effects, fluoridation has been abandoned in most of Europe, including Austria, Belgium, Denmark, France, Holland, Hungary, Italy, Norway, Sweden, Germany and Yugoslavia.
In the 1964 cold-war classic DR. STRANGELOVE, General Jack D. Ripper (Sterling Hayden) was concerned about an epiphany he had experienced during a sexual encounter regarding protecting his "purity of essence" and thereby became a bit paranoid about the fluoridation of drinking water. “I can no longer sit back and allow Communist infiltration, Communist indoctrination, Communist subversion, and the international Communist conspiracy to sap and impurify all of our precious bodily fluids,” he declared, then ordered a squadron of B-52s on a nuclear strike of the Soviet Union.
Perhaps he sent the B-52s to the wrong target.
As a container of precious bodily fluids, I tend to be cautious about what I eat, drink and breathe. I prefer my drinking water to be void of toxic waste.
___________
Quote for the Day – "All propaganda has to be popular and has to accommodate itself to the comprehension of the least intelligent of those whom it seeks to reach." Adolf Hitler
___________
Bret Burquest is an award-winning columnist and author of four novels. He lives in the Ozark Mountains with a dog named Buddy Lee and protects his purity of essence by bathing during full moons. His blogs appear on several websites, including www.myspace.com/bret1111
___________
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Fluoride is listed in the handbook titled CLINICAL TOXICOLOGY OF COMMERCIAL PRODUCTS as more poisonous than lead and just slightly less poisonous than arsenic.
Independent studies have shown that fluoride causes various mental disturbances, makes people docile, damages bone structure and shortens life spans.
The first use of fluoridated drinking water occurred during World War II when the German pharmaceutical giant, I.G. Farben, utilized it in Nazi prison camps such as Auschwitz in order to force the inmates into a compliant submission.
In 1944, Oscar Ewing became the head of the U.S. Federal Security Agency where he began a campaign to add fluoride to public drinking water. Prior to that, Ewing had been an employee of Alcoa, which controls the global aluminum cartel. Soon, aluminum waste material became a profitable business venture, at a 20,000 percent markup.
According to APPLIED CHEMISTRY, SECOND EDITION by William R. Stine, the fluoride ion in drinking water is responsible for a defective dental condition called mottled enamel. Also known as dental fluorosis, this defect results from disturbance by fluoride of the enamel forming cells during tooth formation and is one of the first signs of chronic fluoride poisoning.
Dr. Hardy Limeback is the head of the Department of Preventative Dentistry at the University of Toronto and the President of the Canadian Association for Dental Research. Once a leading promoter of fluoride in public drinking water, he has since become an opponent of fluoridation. He claims that Canada currently spends more effort on treating dental fluorosis than treating cavities. He also reports lower cavity rates in areas where there is no fluoridation.
According to PHYSICIANS DESK REFERENCE, “in hypersensitive individuals, fluorides occasionally cause skin eruptions such as atopic dermatitis, eczema, or urticaria. Gastric distress, headache, and weakness have also been reported. These hypersensitive reactions usually disappear promptly after discontinuation of the fluoride.”
Research in the 1970s by the National Cancer Institute showed that more than 10,000 fluoride-linked cancer deaths occur in this country each year.
The Argonne National Laboratories demonstrated in 1989 the ability of fluoride to transform normal cells into cancerous cells.
A study by Proctor and Gamble showed that as little as half the amount of fluoride in public water supplies resulted in a significant increase in genetic damage.
The NEW ENGLAND JOURNAL OF MEDICINE reported in the March 22, 1990 issue that Mayo Clinic researchers found fluoride treatment of osteoporosis increased hip fracture rate and bone fragility.
In 1992, the JOURNAL OF THE AMERICAN MEDICAL ASSOCIATION reported that increased hip fractures were linked to rates of fluoride in the water.
Dr. Michael B. Schachter, M.D. from Columbia College of Physicians & Surgeons, contends, “fluoride even at dosages of one part per million, found in fluoridated water, can inhibit enzyme systems, damage the immune system, contribute to calcification of soft tissues, worsen arthritis and cause dental fluorosis in children; up to 80% of the children in certain fluoridated areas.”
If that isn’t scary enough, many recent studies show that water fluoridation is ineffective in reducing tooth decay. The U. S. Public Health Service, in the largest study of its kind, examined the dental records of over 39,000 school children, ages 5-17, from 84 different areas around the country. The number of decayed, missing and filled teeth per child were virtually the same in fluoridated and non-fluoridated areas.
Because of evidence of harmful effects, fluoridation has been abandoned in most of Europe, including Austria, Belgium, Denmark, France, Holland, Hungary, Italy, Norway, Sweden, Germany and Yugoslavia.
In the 1964 cold-war classic DR. STRANGELOVE, General Jack D. Ripper (Sterling Hayden) was concerned about an epiphany he had experienced during a sexual encounter regarding protecting his "purity of essence" and thereby became a bit paranoid about the fluoridation of drinking water. “I can no longer sit back and allow Communist infiltration, Communist indoctrination, Communist subversion, and the international Communist conspiracy to sap and impurify all of our precious bodily fluids,” he declared, then ordered a squadron of B-52s on a nuclear strike of the Soviet Union.
Perhaps he sent the B-52s to the wrong target.
As a container of precious bodily fluids, I tend to be cautious about what I eat, drink and breathe. I prefer my drinking water to be void of toxic waste.
___________
Quote for the Day – "All propaganda has to be popular and has to accommodate itself to the comprehension of the least intelligent of those whom it seeks to reach." Adolf Hitler
___________
Bret Burquest is an award-winning columnist and author of four novels. He lives in the Ozark Mountains with a dog named Buddy Lee and protects his purity of essence by bathing during full moons. His blogs appear on several websites, including www.myspace.com/bret1111
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Friday, June 26, 2009
Life is a Metaphor
A metaphor is a figure of speech using a word or phrase that usually means one thing to refer to something else. It's an analogy that compares two unlike elements to make a point, a comparison between two things that are not likely or obvious.
"Life is like a pair of red stilettos" is a comparison of two unlike elements to make a point. I'm not exactly certain what the point is, but it's probably very titillating.
However, "Life is like a pair of red stilettos" is actually a simile.
A simile is a comparison of two unlike things using the word "like" or "as" whereas a metaphor is a comparison of two unlike things using a variation of the verb "to be."
And such nonsensical gibberish is the precise reason I majored in mathematics in college rather than anything that involved the precision of the English language. The precision of mathematics is based on logic and reason. The precision of the English language is based on a set of rules made by some pompous Englishman with a persecution complex and limp wrists.
One of my favorite similes was uttered by General Norman Schwarzkopf during the Gulf War when he said, "Going to war without the French is like going deer hunting without an accordion."
Believe it or not, the following is a list of similes and metaphors used in essays by high school students in the land of the free and the home of the brave..
1) He was as tall as a six-foot-three tree.
2) Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
3) The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
4) From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 instead of 7:30.
5) She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
6) John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
7) Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
8) The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.
9) He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
10) She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 legs missing.
11) He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River.
12) He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
One of my old college roommates was a lot like a metaphor. He was as tall as a five-foot-eleven tree and often reminded me of a garbage truck backing up, although I don't recall hearing any bells.
___________
Quote for the Day – "Life is but a walking shadow, a poor player that struts and frets his hour upon the stage and then is heard from no more – it is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing." Bill Shakespeare
___________
Bret Burquest is an award-winning columnist and author of four novels. He lives in the Ozark Mountains with a dog named Buddy Lee and where red stilettos are forbidden by law. His blogs appear on several websites, including www.myspace.com/bret1111
___________
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"Life is like a pair of red stilettos" is a comparison of two unlike elements to make a point. I'm not exactly certain what the point is, but it's probably very titillating.
However, "Life is like a pair of red stilettos" is actually a simile.
A simile is a comparison of two unlike things using the word "like" or "as" whereas a metaphor is a comparison of two unlike things using a variation of the verb "to be."
And such nonsensical gibberish is the precise reason I majored in mathematics in college rather than anything that involved the precision of the English language. The precision of mathematics is based on logic and reason. The precision of the English language is based on a set of rules made by some pompous Englishman with a persecution complex and limp wrists.
One of my favorite similes was uttered by General Norman Schwarzkopf during the Gulf War when he said, "Going to war without the French is like going deer hunting without an accordion."
Believe it or not, the following is a list of similes and metaphors used in essays by high school students in the land of the free and the home of the brave..
1) He was as tall as a six-foot-three tree.
2) Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
3) The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
4) From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 instead of 7:30.
5) She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
6) John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
7) Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
8) The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.
9) He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
10) She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 legs missing.
11) He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River.
12) He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
One of my old college roommates was a lot like a metaphor. He was as tall as a five-foot-eleven tree and often reminded me of a garbage truck backing up, although I don't recall hearing any bells.
___________
Quote for the Day – "Life is but a walking shadow, a poor player that struts and frets his hour upon the stage and then is heard from no more – it is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing." Bill Shakespeare
___________
Bret Burquest is an award-winning columnist and author of four novels. He lives in the Ozark Mountains with a dog named Buddy Lee and where red stilettos are forbidden by law. His blogs appear on several websites, including www.myspace.com/bret1111
___________
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Sunday, June 21, 2009
Into the Mystic
Once you accept your own death, you're free to live.
Somewhere around 2,500 years ago, a fellow named Plato wrote THE MYTH OF ER.
Er was slain in battle. His body was laid to rest on a funeral pyre, a pile of material to later be burned.
Twelve days later, he came back to life and spoke of his experience in the afterlife.
His soul had left his body and was greeted by a group of other souls. Then he traveled with the group through a series of passageways into another realm. Er was now in a gateway domain where individual souls were being judged by divine beings who were able to perceive everything the souls had done while in their carnal (earthly) dimension. But Er was not judged. He was told it was not yet his time to enter the heavenly realm and that he must return to his body to inform the rest of the carnal word what was beyond their physical reality.
Having returned, Er told those present about witnessing the heroes of legend making choices for future lives.
Although considered to be a mythological tale, Plato was describing the phenomenon of "near death experience." And by the planning of future lives, he was also introducing an aspect of reincarnation.
In modern terms a near death experience (NDE) occurs when a person is clinically dead for a period of time and then brought back to life, sometimes through resuscitation and sometimes by natural circumstances.
People who have experienced an NDE generally have a similar experience and go through the same steps.
1) A sense of being dead, plus an overall feeling of tranquility and love.
2) The sensation of floating upward out of their physical body and witnessing what is taking place below.
3) Passing through a tunnel or narrow passageway.
4) Being greeted by deceased friends and relatives, as well as highly spiritual beings.
5) Encountering a divine bright light and being beckoned (welcomed) by it.
6) Going through a review of their entire life and comprehending how their actions affected others.
7) When told they were to return to their carnal body, they did so reluctantly.
8) After returning to their earthly existence, they had a new perspective on life and no longer feared death.
According to a recent Gallup Poll, approximately eight million Americans claim to have had an NDE.
If there's another realm of existence beyond our earthly presence, perhaps there's some way to explore it.
Dr. Michael Newton, among others, has done just that. Dr. Newton, Ph.D., holds a doctorate in Counseling psychology and is a certified master hypnotherapist. Some of his published works include DESTINY OF SOULS, LIFE BETWEEN LIVES and JOURNEY OF SOULS. He specializes in explaining our immortal life in the spirit world.
While most of those who explore such things concentrate on hypnotically regressing people into past lives, Dr. Newton narrows in on the state of being between lives within a higher spiritual (ethereal) domain.
Based on over 7,000 hypnotic regressions of people into the life between lives region, Dr. Newton has documented a spiritual dimension consistent with near death experiences, but much more profound.
The descriptions of this realm have been consistent among the participants with minor individual differences.
1) The journey into this spiritual dimension begins by meeting one's spirit guide and soul group.
2) One then meets with a council of wise, elevated souls familiar with one's soul journey.
3) Universally reported by all participants is the selection of a future life (on an earthly plane of existence).
4) The selection of a future life is based on the uniqueness of the individual soul's journey.
5) This spirit realm is one of love, kindness and compassion, as well as order, planning and direction.
6) Souls are multi-dimensional. Soul energy is in the human body while the soul remains active in the realm.
Life on this earth is full of pain, suffering and injustice. It's a plane of existence to cleanse our immortal souls.
Death may be the greatest of all human blessings. When we enter the Great Beyond, we enter a sphere of love and compassion. Some might call it heaven.
___________
Quote for the Day – "Achieving life is not the equivalent of avoiding death." Ayn Rand
___________
Bret Burquest is an award-winning columnist and author of four novels. He lives in the Ozark Mountains with a dog named Buddy Lee and where immortality is the norm, followed by death. His blogs appear on several websites, including www.myspace.com/bret1111
___________
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Somewhere around 2,500 years ago, a fellow named Plato wrote THE MYTH OF ER.
Er was slain in battle. His body was laid to rest on a funeral pyre, a pile of material to later be burned.
Twelve days later, he came back to life and spoke of his experience in the afterlife.
His soul had left his body and was greeted by a group of other souls. Then he traveled with the group through a series of passageways into another realm. Er was now in a gateway domain where individual souls were being judged by divine beings who were able to perceive everything the souls had done while in their carnal (earthly) dimension. But Er was not judged. He was told it was not yet his time to enter the heavenly realm and that he must return to his body to inform the rest of the carnal word what was beyond their physical reality.
Having returned, Er told those present about witnessing the heroes of legend making choices for future lives.
Although considered to be a mythological tale, Plato was describing the phenomenon of "near death experience." And by the planning of future lives, he was also introducing an aspect of reincarnation.
In modern terms a near death experience (NDE) occurs when a person is clinically dead for a period of time and then brought back to life, sometimes through resuscitation and sometimes by natural circumstances.
People who have experienced an NDE generally have a similar experience and go through the same steps.
1) A sense of being dead, plus an overall feeling of tranquility and love.
2) The sensation of floating upward out of their physical body and witnessing what is taking place below.
3) Passing through a tunnel or narrow passageway.
4) Being greeted by deceased friends and relatives, as well as highly spiritual beings.
5) Encountering a divine bright light and being beckoned (welcomed) by it.
6) Going through a review of their entire life and comprehending how their actions affected others.
7) When told they were to return to their carnal body, they did so reluctantly.
8) After returning to their earthly existence, they had a new perspective on life and no longer feared death.
According to a recent Gallup Poll, approximately eight million Americans claim to have had an NDE.
If there's another realm of existence beyond our earthly presence, perhaps there's some way to explore it.
Dr. Michael Newton, among others, has done just that. Dr. Newton, Ph.D., holds a doctorate in Counseling psychology and is a certified master hypnotherapist. Some of his published works include DESTINY OF SOULS, LIFE BETWEEN LIVES and JOURNEY OF SOULS. He specializes in explaining our immortal life in the spirit world.
While most of those who explore such things concentrate on hypnotically regressing people into past lives, Dr. Newton narrows in on the state of being between lives within a higher spiritual (ethereal) domain.
Based on over 7,000 hypnotic regressions of people into the life between lives region, Dr. Newton has documented a spiritual dimension consistent with near death experiences, but much more profound.
The descriptions of this realm have been consistent among the participants with minor individual differences.
1) The journey into this spiritual dimension begins by meeting one's spirit guide and soul group.
2) One then meets with a council of wise, elevated souls familiar with one's soul journey.
3) Universally reported by all participants is the selection of a future life (on an earthly plane of existence).
4) The selection of a future life is based on the uniqueness of the individual soul's journey.
5) This spirit realm is one of love, kindness and compassion, as well as order, planning and direction.
6) Souls are multi-dimensional. Soul energy is in the human body while the soul remains active in the realm.
Life on this earth is full of pain, suffering and injustice. It's a plane of existence to cleanse our immortal souls.
Death may be the greatest of all human blessings. When we enter the Great Beyond, we enter a sphere of love and compassion. Some might call it heaven.
___________
Quote for the Day – "Achieving life is not the equivalent of avoiding death." Ayn Rand
___________
Bret Burquest is an award-winning columnist and author of four novels. He lives in the Ozark Mountains with a dog named Buddy Lee and where immortality is the norm, followed by death. His blogs appear on several websites, including www.myspace.com/bret1111
___________
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Thursday, June 18, 2009
The Glycemic Index
I weighed myself the other day for the first time in two months. I was surprised how much stronger the earth's gravitational force had become in just 60 days.
Whenever you eat, food is converted to blood sugar, called glucose. This is particularly true when eating carbohydrates.
Blood sugar is the fuel that makes the body go. Every cell in your body depends on blood sugar for energy to stay alive and perform its function. Without it, you would go into a coma and soon die.
The pancreas creates insulin which is released into the blood stream in response to elevated glucose levels. Without the insulin, blood glucose levels would rise excessively, creating a condition known as hypoglycemia.
If your insulin production is defective you may be subject to diabetes.
Type-1 diabetes is when your body doesn't produce enough insulin.
Type-2 diabetes occurs when you produce sufficient amounts of insulin but your cells have developed a resistance to it, potentially damaging your system (kidneys, eyes, nerves, vital organs).
A diet low in carbohydrates is helpful for managing glucose levels and losing weight but it isn't that simple.
The key to good health and losing weight is to avoid spikes in insulin levels.
If you skip meals and compensate for it with high-carbohydrate snacks, you're putting you body on a blood sugar roller-coaster ride.
The same is true if you eat one or two huge meals per day and little else in between. Your blood sugar spikes upward, causing your insulin levels to spike upward.
Twenty-five percent of all the glucose in your bloodstream goes to your brain. When these levels spike, you can become sluggish and forgetful. If you eat a lot of the wrong carbohydrates for breakfast you become lethargic by mid morning. Then you need a donut or some pastry to give you another temporary quick fix.
Spikes in glucose and insulin levels turn on the hunger switch. And everything you eat that is not burned up as energy is stored as fat.
It's a lot easier to control weight if you're not hungry most of the time.
In 1981, Dr. David Jenkins, a Professor of Nutrition at the University of Toronto, attempted to establish the type of foods that were best for people suffering from diabetes. He found that certain foods traditionally defined as complex carbohydrates, such as potatoes, led to a rapid rise in blood glucose while some foods high in sugar appeared to digest more slowly leading to a more gradual rise in blood glucose.
This discovery led to an additional method of classifying foods (carbohydrates) called the Glycemic Index.
Foods that digest rapidly, leading to a rapid release of glucose into the bloodstream, thereby causing spikes in glucose and insulin levels, are known as high glycemic index foods.
Foods that digest more slowly, releasing glucose more gradually into the bloodstream, are known as low glycemic index foods.
In order to stabilize blood glucose, reduce body fat and boost energy levels, it's important to consider the types of carbohydrates you eat.
Foods that contain low glycemic levels will minimize the production of insulin. As an added bonus, this will decrease hunger and increase energy levels, encouraging your body to burn more fat.
You can get a Glycemic Index chart on the Internet or in many health books.
Generally, almost all grains (bread, rice, etc.) are high glycemic.
Except for bananas, dates, figs, mangoes, papayas and raisins, most fruit is low glycemic. Except for carrots, corn, squash, parsnips and potatoes, most vegetables are low glycemic. Since meat, poultry, seafood, eggs and dairy products are low in carbohydrates they are also low glycemic.
I am not a nutritionist. If your health is important to you, this may be something to explore.
By the way, food is also psychologically addictive. It's a substitute for love, an emotional fix, a sign that something is eating us. If you feel empty inside, you satisfy it by filling up inside. This can only be overcome by recognizing the problem and getting over it.
I've apparently spent much of my life substituting for love. To overcome it, I got a new puppy.
___________
Quote for the Day – "Never eat more than you can lift." Miss Piggy
___________
Bret Burquest is an award-winning columnist and author of four novels. He lives in the Ozark Mountains with a dog named Buddy Lee and where obesity is widespread. His blogs appear on several websites, including www.myspace.com/bret1111
___________
-
-
Whenever you eat, food is converted to blood sugar, called glucose. This is particularly true when eating carbohydrates.
Blood sugar is the fuel that makes the body go. Every cell in your body depends on blood sugar for energy to stay alive and perform its function. Without it, you would go into a coma and soon die.
The pancreas creates insulin which is released into the blood stream in response to elevated glucose levels. Without the insulin, blood glucose levels would rise excessively, creating a condition known as hypoglycemia.
If your insulin production is defective you may be subject to diabetes.
Type-1 diabetes is when your body doesn't produce enough insulin.
Type-2 diabetes occurs when you produce sufficient amounts of insulin but your cells have developed a resistance to it, potentially damaging your system (kidneys, eyes, nerves, vital organs).
A diet low in carbohydrates is helpful for managing glucose levels and losing weight but it isn't that simple.
The key to good health and losing weight is to avoid spikes in insulin levels.
If you skip meals and compensate for it with high-carbohydrate snacks, you're putting you body on a blood sugar roller-coaster ride.
The same is true if you eat one or two huge meals per day and little else in between. Your blood sugar spikes upward, causing your insulin levels to spike upward.
Twenty-five percent of all the glucose in your bloodstream goes to your brain. When these levels spike, you can become sluggish and forgetful. If you eat a lot of the wrong carbohydrates for breakfast you become lethargic by mid morning. Then you need a donut or some pastry to give you another temporary quick fix.
Spikes in glucose and insulin levels turn on the hunger switch. And everything you eat that is not burned up as energy is stored as fat.
It's a lot easier to control weight if you're not hungry most of the time.
In 1981, Dr. David Jenkins, a Professor of Nutrition at the University of Toronto, attempted to establish the type of foods that were best for people suffering from diabetes. He found that certain foods traditionally defined as complex carbohydrates, such as potatoes, led to a rapid rise in blood glucose while some foods high in sugar appeared to digest more slowly leading to a more gradual rise in blood glucose.
This discovery led to an additional method of classifying foods (carbohydrates) called the Glycemic Index.
Foods that digest rapidly, leading to a rapid release of glucose into the bloodstream, thereby causing spikes in glucose and insulin levels, are known as high glycemic index foods.
Foods that digest more slowly, releasing glucose more gradually into the bloodstream, are known as low glycemic index foods.
In order to stabilize blood glucose, reduce body fat and boost energy levels, it's important to consider the types of carbohydrates you eat.
Foods that contain low glycemic levels will minimize the production of insulin. As an added bonus, this will decrease hunger and increase energy levels, encouraging your body to burn more fat.
You can get a Glycemic Index chart on the Internet or in many health books.
Generally, almost all grains (bread, rice, etc.) are high glycemic.
Except for bananas, dates, figs, mangoes, papayas and raisins, most fruit is low glycemic. Except for carrots, corn, squash, parsnips and potatoes, most vegetables are low glycemic. Since meat, poultry, seafood, eggs and dairy products are low in carbohydrates they are also low glycemic.
I am not a nutritionist. If your health is important to you, this may be something to explore.
By the way, food is also psychologically addictive. It's a substitute for love, an emotional fix, a sign that something is eating us. If you feel empty inside, you satisfy it by filling up inside. This can only be overcome by recognizing the problem and getting over it.
I've apparently spent much of my life substituting for love. To overcome it, I got a new puppy.
___________
Quote for the Day – "Never eat more than you can lift." Miss Piggy
___________
Bret Burquest is an award-winning columnist and author of four novels. He lives in the Ozark Mountains with a dog named Buddy Lee and where obesity is widespread. His blogs appear on several websites, including www.myspace.com/bret1111
___________
-
-
Sunday, June 14, 2009
Being a Survivor
All organic life forms, including humans, are created by magic and exist primarily by the willful instinct to survive.
Survivor is a CBS TV reality show where a bunch of “real” people are sent to a remote location, with very little food or equipment, and attempt to “survive” in their new surroundings while being followed closely by cameramen and sound technicians who are probably trying very hard not to giggle.
Reality TV is about as close to reality as I am to winning Miss Congeniality in the next Miss America contest.
At first, the 16 contestants are split into two tribes, usually consisting of four men and four women each. Every three days, the tribes compete in an elimination contest. The losing tribe is required to vote one of their members out of the tribe and thereby out of the competition.
After the tribes have been scaled back to about half the original size, the two tribes merge and start another round of contests where the winner of each event is immune from being ousted during the next vote.
When it gets down to the last two contestants, the previous seven voted off choose the winner. The lone survivor wins a millions dollars, an automobile from one of the sponsors and a spot on the David Letterman Show where they will be ridiculed before hundreds of TV viewers.
To become a contestant, you must fill out a lengthy questionnaire, include a health certificate signed by a physician and submit a short video of yourself explaining why you should be chosen. Out of several thousand applications, the field is narrowed to a few hundred based on the video presentation. This is where reality ends and something even stranger than reality begins.
The producers of the show tend to favor videos depicting bizarre behavior by the sort of humanoids that cause apes to reject the theory of evolution. If you leap out of a Dumpster with a rose between your teeth or fall out of a tree wearing a Zorro outfit, you have a much better chance to be selected than if you were reasonably normal. Apparently being loud and obnoxious helps as well, especially if you are prone to yell “whooooo” and “yahoo” after every action, such as winning a contest or tying your shoes.
Then after a series of interviews, the final 16 “real” people are selected.
Even though the 16 contestants are not exactly a representative slice of the human race, you can still learn a lot about human behavior by observing them in action.
Invariably, within each tribe, a person will immediately take it upon himself/herself to be the leader and begin barking orders. In almost every Survivor contest this was the first person voted out of each tribe, regardless of how competent the person was or how hard he/she worked.
Apparently, the human race doesn't care much for eager self-appointed leaders no matter how competent they are.
For some, life on Planet Earth is a struggle for supremacy. But for most of us, it's a struggle for survival. And the struggle for survival is hard enough without being under someone else's ambitious command.
After the gung ho leader is eliminated, the tribes tend to typically split into responsible workers and irresponsible loafers. The workers resent the loafers because the workers must work harder to make up for the time the loafers spend loafing. The loafers resent the workers because they resent being made to feel guilty for loafing.
This also seems to mirror the human race in the struggle between those who take responsibility by providing for themselves and those who feel entitled to the fruits of the labor of others.
During the course of the contest, as contestants are eliminated one by one, alliances are formed among various schemers seeking to manipulate the voting process. They have more power and control as a group. In the real world, these manipulators would gang up on others by joining unions or political parties.
In the first Survivor contest, the most manipulative person won. Over the next couple of years, the winners were the ones who acted the most honorably throughout the contest. This too is evident in everyday life where who you are or how you play the game often has no bearing on winning or losing.
In TV Survivor, the best strategy seems to be to keep a low profile, do your fair share of the work, refrain from criticizing others and accept your fate when the outcome is out of your hands.
That may not be such a bad strategy for survival in the “real” world either.
We are immortal mortals, eternal beings within infinity. Our purpose is not survival, it's to reach a state of bliss regardless of circumstances.
___________
Quote for the Day – "A warrior considers himself already dead, so there is nothing to lose. The worst has already happened to him, therefore he's clear and calm." Carlos Castaneda (shaman)
___________
Bret Burquest is an award-winning columnist and author of four novels. He lives in the Ozark Mountains with a dog named Buddy Lee and keeps a low profile on the road to infinity. His blogs appear on several websites, including www.myspace.com/bret1111
___________
-
-
Survivor is a CBS TV reality show where a bunch of “real” people are sent to a remote location, with very little food or equipment, and attempt to “survive” in their new surroundings while being followed closely by cameramen and sound technicians who are probably trying very hard not to giggle.
Reality TV is about as close to reality as I am to winning Miss Congeniality in the next Miss America contest.
At first, the 16 contestants are split into two tribes, usually consisting of four men and four women each. Every three days, the tribes compete in an elimination contest. The losing tribe is required to vote one of their members out of the tribe and thereby out of the competition.
After the tribes have been scaled back to about half the original size, the two tribes merge and start another round of contests where the winner of each event is immune from being ousted during the next vote.
When it gets down to the last two contestants, the previous seven voted off choose the winner. The lone survivor wins a millions dollars, an automobile from one of the sponsors and a spot on the David Letterman Show where they will be ridiculed before hundreds of TV viewers.
To become a contestant, you must fill out a lengthy questionnaire, include a health certificate signed by a physician and submit a short video of yourself explaining why you should be chosen. Out of several thousand applications, the field is narrowed to a few hundred based on the video presentation. This is where reality ends and something even stranger than reality begins.
The producers of the show tend to favor videos depicting bizarre behavior by the sort of humanoids that cause apes to reject the theory of evolution. If you leap out of a Dumpster with a rose between your teeth or fall out of a tree wearing a Zorro outfit, you have a much better chance to be selected than if you were reasonably normal. Apparently being loud and obnoxious helps as well, especially if you are prone to yell “whooooo” and “yahoo” after every action, such as winning a contest or tying your shoes.
Then after a series of interviews, the final 16 “real” people are selected.
Even though the 16 contestants are not exactly a representative slice of the human race, you can still learn a lot about human behavior by observing them in action.
Invariably, within each tribe, a person will immediately take it upon himself/herself to be the leader and begin barking orders. In almost every Survivor contest this was the first person voted out of each tribe, regardless of how competent the person was or how hard he/she worked.
Apparently, the human race doesn't care much for eager self-appointed leaders no matter how competent they are.
For some, life on Planet Earth is a struggle for supremacy. But for most of us, it's a struggle for survival. And the struggle for survival is hard enough without being under someone else's ambitious command.
After the gung ho leader is eliminated, the tribes tend to typically split into responsible workers and irresponsible loafers. The workers resent the loafers because the workers must work harder to make up for the time the loafers spend loafing. The loafers resent the workers because they resent being made to feel guilty for loafing.
This also seems to mirror the human race in the struggle between those who take responsibility by providing for themselves and those who feel entitled to the fruits of the labor of others.
During the course of the contest, as contestants are eliminated one by one, alliances are formed among various schemers seeking to manipulate the voting process. They have more power and control as a group. In the real world, these manipulators would gang up on others by joining unions or political parties.
In the first Survivor contest, the most manipulative person won. Over the next couple of years, the winners were the ones who acted the most honorably throughout the contest. This too is evident in everyday life where who you are or how you play the game often has no bearing on winning or losing.
In TV Survivor, the best strategy seems to be to keep a low profile, do your fair share of the work, refrain from criticizing others and accept your fate when the outcome is out of your hands.
That may not be such a bad strategy for survival in the “real” world either.
We are immortal mortals, eternal beings within infinity. Our purpose is not survival, it's to reach a state of bliss regardless of circumstances.
___________
Quote for the Day – "A warrior considers himself already dead, so there is nothing to lose. The worst has already happened to him, therefore he's clear and calm." Carlos Castaneda (shaman)
___________
Bret Burquest is an award-winning columnist and author of four novels. He lives in the Ozark Mountains with a dog named Buddy Lee and keeps a low profile on the road to infinity. His blogs appear on several websites, including www.myspace.com/bret1111
___________
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