Fractured Moments in the Courtroom

The following items are from a book titled DISORDER IN THE COURT: GREAT FRACTURED MOMENTS IN COURTROOM HISTORY by Charles M. Seville -- they are portions from actual transcripts in American courts.

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Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

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Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

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Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

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Q: Do you now wear corrective glasses?

A: There are three of you.

Q: No. There's only one of me.

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Q: Are you sexually active?

A: No, I just lie there.

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Q: What is your date of birth?

A: July 18th.

Q: What year?

A: Every year.

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Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

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Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

A: Yes.

Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

A: I forget.

Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

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Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?

A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.

Q: How long has he lived with you?

A: Forty-five years.

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Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?

A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"

Q: And why did that upset you?

A: My name is Susan.

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Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?

A: We both do.

Q: Voodoo?

A: We do.

Q: You do?

A: Yes, voodoo.

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Q: And y'all had a very intimate relationship, didn't you, Ms. A.?

A: We had sex two times. It wasn't very intimate.

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Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

A: Yes.

Q: And what were you doing at that time?

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Q: She had three children, right?

A: Yes.

Q: How many were boys?

A: None.

Q: Were there any girls?

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Q: How was your first marriage terminated?

A: By death.

Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

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Q: Can you describe the individual?

A: He was about medium height and had a beard.

Q: Was this a male, or a female?

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Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

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Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

A: Oral.

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Q: Are you related to her in some way by marriage?

A: We are brother and sister-in-law.

Q: Are you married to O's sister?

A: I am married to O's sister by the church, by the law, and because I am a fool.

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Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?

A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

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Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?

A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

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Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

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Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for blood pressure?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for breathing?

A: No.

Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

A: No.

Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law

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Quote for the Day -- "Lawyers spend a great deal of time shoveling smoke." Oliver Wendell Holmes.

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Bret Burquest is the author of 9 books. He lives in the Ozark Mountains with a dog named Buddy Lee and where what lawyers do is called "practice."

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Juvenile Jerks

In September of 2003, Jeffrey Lee Parson, a high school senior from Hopkins, Minn., earned his 15 minutes of fame by generating a copycat version of the Blaster Internet worm, also known as LovSan, infecting over 500,000 computers around the world and causing millions of dollars worth of damage.

The computer virus exploited a flaw in Window’s software, replicating Internet worms that launched a data attack from at least 7,000 “drone” computers via the Internet onto the Microsoft technical service website.

The FBI arrested Parson for “intentionally causing or attempting to cause damage to a computer” and confiscated his seven computers.

Later that same day, Parson made an initial court appearance with a punk hair style, wearing a faded T-shirt with “Big Daddy” spelled out in front, as well as cargo shorts and high-top sneakers.

The pesky teenager was then placed under house arrest, pending further court appearances, and not allowed to use a computer or to log onto the Internet.

His parents must be so proud.

At 6’ 4” and 320 pounds, the 18-year-old Parson was known locally as a hothead and a bully. According to the Minneapolis Star Tribune, some of Parson’s neighbors claimed that Parson used to beat up the other kids in the neighborhood and damaged property whenever he got upset, which was often.

One sympathetic neighbor stated that Parson had always been very self-conscious about his size and felt no one liked him. He was apparently always much taller than the other kids and had received intensive counseling as a boy to help him adjust.

The poor lad – being tall is such a heavy burden.

Speaking of juvenile jerks, 63-year-old Congressman Bill Janklow of South Dakota also earned his 15 minutes of fame in the same month by driving over 70 mph in a 55 mph speed zone, running a stop sign and killing a 55-year-old motorcyclist and volunteer fireman from Minnesota.

One of South Dakota’s most powerful politicians, Janklow had served four years as state attorney general and 16 years as governor before being elected to the U.S. House of Representatives in 2002.

A self-proclaimed speeder, Janklow received 12 speeding tickets in 11 separate counties in 1990-1994.

In 1999, he complained to passengers in his sports utility vehicle that the computer limited his speed to 99 mph as he sped through the dense smoke of a forest fire in the Black Hills. As governor that year, he was quoted as saying: “if someone told me I was going to jail for two days for speeding, my driving habits would change. I can pay the ticket but don’t want to go to jail. It’s that simple.”

The poor fellow – forced to endanger innocent lives and pay a fine rather than being a responsible citizen simply because the penalty just wasn’t stiff enough to prevent him from doing the right thing.

Parson is an evil monster who gets a thrill out of hurting others.

Janklow is an infantile pinhead who gets a thrill out of driving fast -- killing another human being in the process.

Each faced a maximum of 10 years in prison.

Parson should be dressed in bright orange and confined to a cell at least two hours for every hour of distress he caused multitudes of computer users. With good behavior, he would be eligible for parole on April 17, 2085.

Janklow should be duct-taped to the hood of an Oldsmobile and driven on every road in South Dakota at 110 miles per hour by one of Richard Petty’s nephews. If he survives the thrill of being a hood ornament, he should serve two days in jail for speeding and be required to become a volunteer fireman for the rest of his natural life.

We live in a wicked world where the punishment sometimes exceeds the crime. You can get six months in jail for chewing gum in public in Indonesia or beheaded for adultery in Saudi Arabia (women only).

No matter the earthly consequences of our actions, we are all judged by an ultimate truth.

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Quote for the Day -- "Justice will not be served until those who are unaffected are as outraged as those who are." Benjamin Franklin

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Bret Burquest is the author of 9 books. He lives in the Ozark Mountains with a dog named Buddy Lee and an imaginary girlfriend named Trixie O'Toole.

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Avoiding the Bustle of Life

A friend sent me the following item that appeared in THE ATLANTA JOURNAL in the “singles ads” section.

SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companion, ethnicity unimportant. I’m a very good-looking girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. Rub me the right way and watch me respond. I’ll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Kiss me and I’m yours. Call (404) XXX-XXXX and ask for Daisy.

NOTE: Over 15,000 men called the Atlanta Humane Society about an 8-week-old black Labrador retriever.

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New York City has an open-container law prohibiting alcohol in parks and beaches. On July 4, police rousted people on Rockaway Beach in Brooklyn who were drinking beer at a fund-raiser for a memorial to World Trade Center victims. The following week, police failed to issue a single citation as thousands of people sipped wine in Central Park and Prospect Park as they listened to the New York Philharmonic Orchestra.

Michael Bloomberg, New York City’s billionaire Mayor, attended the concert and afterward defended this obvious hypocrisy. He felt it was perfectly acceptable for his crowd (the hotsy-totsy elite) to drink wine in a public park but “more dangerous” for others (the lower class barbarians) to drink beer at a public beach.

NOTE: A constitutional guarantee of equality doesn’t mean that some people are more equal than others. We’re all in this together. Either obey the law or change the law. You can’t have it both ways.

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Professor Joseph Olson of Hamline University in St. Paul, Minn., has compiled the following statistics about the 2000 Presidential election, one of the closest elections in history.

1) States won: Gore = 19, Bush = 29

2) Square miles of country won: Gore = 580,000, Bush = 2,427,000

3) Population by counties won: Gore = 127 million,  Bush = 143 million

4) Murder (per 100,000 residents) in counties won: Gore = 13.2, Bush = 2.1

Professor Olson also pointed out that Bush received most of the votes where the people owned the land whereas Gore fared better in big cities and among those who were the most reliant on government assistance.

NOTE: It may have been a close election, but there seems to be a clear divide between city and country folk.

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Speaking of country folks, north Arkansas is a great place to live primarily because it’s far off the beaten path. People in this area live a simple live void of the hustle and bustle of big cities. Actually, there’s a bit of hustle on occasion but rarely any bustle. There are some phrases you don’t often hear in these parts:

1) I picked up some Brie and a bottle of pinot noir for the Super Bowl.

2) Honey, did you mail that contribution to the Spotted Owl Foundation?

3) We should take the taxidermist off the speed dial.

4) Please pass the quiche.

5) Who is Jack Daniels?

6) I’d better get a new muffler for the pickup before I disturb the neighbors.

7) Does this necktie go with this shirt?

8) I’ll take Medieval Literature for 800, Alex.

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Quote for the Day -- "Life is like riding a bicycle -- to keep your balance, you must keep moving." Albert Einstein

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Bret Burquest is the author of 9 books. He lives in the Ozark Mountains with a dog named Buddy Lee and where bustle moves at the speed of slow.

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Full Moon Seasons

The Algonquin tribes of Native American Indians once stretched from New England, throughout the Great Lakes, all the way to Lake Superior. According to the Farmer’s Almanac, they had special names for each of 12 full moons to occur each year. Since the lunar month is only 29 days long on average, the exact calendar dates shifted from year to year.

1) Full Wolf Moon – Wolf packs howl hungrily during the cold and deep snows of midwinter.

2) Full Snow Moon – The heaviest snow usually falls during this month (February).

3) Full Worm Moon – Temperatures warm, the ground begins to thaw and robins return.

4) Full Pink Moon – Herb moss “pink” is one of the earliest widespread flowers to bloom.

5) Full Flower Moon – Flowers become abundant everywhere.

6) Full Strawberry Moon – A short season for harvesting strawberries (June).

7) Full Buck Moon – New antlers coated with velvety fur appear on the buck deer.

8) Full Sturgeon Moon – The large fish of the Great Lakes is most easily caught during this month.

9) Full Harvest Moon – The Indian staples (pumpkin, squash, beans and wild rice) are ready for gathering.

10) Full Hunter’s Moon – Leaves are falling and the deer have been fattened.

11) Full Beaver Moon – Time to set beaver traps before the swamp waters freeze.

12) Full Cold Moon – Winter cold arrives as days become shorter.

Naturally, those of us who live in the splendor of the Ozark Mountain Plateau have also had a tradition of naming our 12 annual moons.

1) Full Reflection Moon – The dead of winter. Time to huddle in front of a fire and reflect upon how fortunate you are to live considerably south of Minnesota but not quite all the way to Texas.

2) Full Fixin Moon – Time to be fixin to do things, such as fixin to look for a job just as soon as you get done fixin to rest up a bit.

3) Full Possum Moon – Possum get restless during this month. Plenty of possum stew for all.

4) Full Moss Moon – As moss appears on rocks, it’s time for the spring bath. This is optional if you took a bath last year.

5) Full Shine Moon – Federal revenuers are busy back at the home office during the peak of tax season. Time to set up the sour mash operation for the summer.

6) Full Road-Kill Moon – Road-kill is at the summer peak. Plenty of road-kill stew for all.

7) Full Maintenance Moon – Good month for home maintenance. Time to burn the overgrown grass in the yard, dust the appliances on the porch, start a new trash pile in back, clean the cobwebs out of the outhouse and rearrange the layout of dead cars in the front yard so you can squeeze a few more in.

8) Full Catfish Moon – Time to go fishing. Plenty of fried catfish for all.

9) Full Fair Moon – This is county fair season. Prepare for the upcoming contests, such as cow pie flinging, long distance spitting and the “guess-my-gender” judging competition.

10) Full Nuts Moon – Squirrels start gathering nuts for winter. Plenty of squirrel potpie for all.

11) Full Jerky Moon – Hunting season. Shoot a bunch of deer, turkey and other tasty tidbits of nature. Skin ‘em, can ‘em, make jerky and mount the biggest one on the wall.

12) Full Ammo Moon – Time to prepare for winter. Make a trip into town to stock up on the necessities of life, such as chewing tobacco, camouflage and ammo.

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Quote for the Day -- “The moon is a loyal companion. It never leaves. It’s always there, watching, steadfast, knowing us in our light and dark moments, changing forever just as we do. Every day it’s a different version of itself. Sometimes weak and wan, sometimes strong and full of light. The moon understands what it means to be human. Uncertain. Alone. Cratered by imperfections.” Tahereh Mafi

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Bret Burquest is the author of 9 books. He lives in the Ozark Mountains with a dog named Buddy Lee and greets every full moon with a gratified howl.

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